I just found this post that I wrote on March 31 while riding the train back to school. It was Tuesday, two days after my grandmother’s memorial service and several weeks after a breakup that seemed like the right thing at the time, but had caused my heart indescribable pain since. Instead of diving into a movie or book like I normally would, I wrote. Wholeheartedly. This is what I said.
I’m being completely honest when I say that the past three weeks have been the hardest of my whole life.
Friends, my heart is grieving.
I often wake up in the morning physically and emotionally sore after a night when memories and doubts tore ceaselessly through my mind. I have cried countless tears and shouted at God, Why did this have to change all at once? I sometimes feel like I’m drowning.
But I can say with confidence that even in the midst of brokenness,
Jesus is still good.
I don’t claim to know His plan in all of this, but I know that His infinite wisdom and His beautiful plan are better than I can imagine in this moment. I know that my grandmother is standing tall in His presence with no pain from her Parkinson’s disease. I know she is dancing and singing with no need for a walker or wheelchair to carry her. I know that in the vastness of eternity, we will be there with her before she even finishes saying hello to her friends. I know that there is hope in the resurrection of Christ.
I know that God is in control. I know that His love is the sweetest and fullest I will ever know. I know that only He can make me whole. I know that He will lead me to someone whose love of God is echoed in his love for me. I know that I will be able to love him unconditionally and that we will encourage one another as we walk together in faith.
I’m sure people were confused when the Savior of the World rode into Jerusalem on a donkey. They were puzzled when He associated with prostitutes and tax collectors. They were discouraged when He didn’t wipe out the enemies of Israel and free His people in a whirlwind of power and glory. Jesus broke every stereotype and perhaps upset people with His humility.
But here’s the thing: Jesus never disappoints.
He freed the captives, won our hearts, conquered death, raised us to new life, taught us how to love, and gave us eternal hope- all without the royal treatment.
It is my confidence in Jesus’ steadfastness and hope that helps me through each day. Sometimes I have to close my eyes and give my hurting heart to Him. I wake up in the morning and say, Jesus, I cannot get through this day without You. I cannot do it without You.
And He is healing me. He has left undeniable fingerprints throughout the past three weeks, which leads me to believe that He cannot and will not disappoint me.
I know that my heart will continue to hurt for a long time, but I also know that Jesus feels my pain and is working in me. He is trying recapture my heart… And I’m letting Him. It is so sweet to trust in Him!
This song has been my anthem these past weeks. I pray it blesses you as it has blessed me!
Oh, how I have been healed since writing those words. God called me back to the love I tried to leave behind. I am falling in love with Randal Flannery all over again and I understand now that loving him is a privilege, not something I am entitled to. We’re trusting Him with our relationship each and every day! My heart overflows everyday and I am so grateful that God isn’t done writing our story. I still miss my sweet Grammie more than I can say, and I know that isn’t something that will change. I am changed, however, by the saving power of Jesus and the hope He gives us. How sweet it is to trust Him!
Thank you for reading. I hope you know how much you are loved by the God who holds your heart. 🙂
•Lord of all, to thee we raise this our hymn of grateful praise•